I literally said “Fuck it” out loud, and it felt amazing.
All my life I have tried to please everyone but myself. It came to the point of me being dangerously unhealthy and personally detrimental when I came to terms with the fact that I was never going to please everyone, and it was okay.
I let others live through me. My parents, my friends, my neighbors, people I had crushes on, lovers. I don’t think everyone doing this had the intent or ultimate goal of controlling me, but it happened. Looking back I see people as being overwhelming and selfish while trying to get me to do what they wanted to do. I didn’t do what I wanted.
I didn’t have a voice. I heard sound coming from my mouth, but never recognized it as my own. Instead I heard a wet, matted, tangled, disgusting mess of all of my abusers’ voices forcibly and painfully ripping through my vocal chords and kicking down the innate sounds I was unfamiliar with, prying open my lips to leap out at these grasping, selfish bastards’ ears that were oh so satisfied having conversations with their own thoughts through the proxy they had made me into. All the trauma for their gain.
I don’t see myself forgiving, most don’t deserve to know this is how I feel. I also don’t feel a need to gain back the time I spent voiceless with unnecessary outbursts of outspokenness now. I just know how to stand up for myself now audibly. I recognize the voice I was given 20 years ago when I was granted life by forces greater than any asshole who tries to silence me.
Flaming books of how to treat people don’t fall from the sky.
I make it a goal to not force my beliefs or opinions on others. Everyone is entitled to their own shit and should be free to roam the earth enjoying their lives free of persecution.
10 minutes ago when someone told me how they think I should act, I said “Fuck it” out loud and walked away.